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Anonymous

A Mother, A Hero

It seems unreal to say that I am a survivor because I never thought that I would be able to get away from my abuser. Here I am though, 2 and ½ years free from abuse because I was able to get myself and my children out of the abusive home and away from the abuser for good! In my story I would like to explain how I was able to get away so that maybe someone who reads this can use this information to also help themselves and their family to get away from the abuser. 

The most important thing that helped me get to safety was EVIDENCE! Of course, there are so many other things combined with that, that ultimately led to my escape and the protection of me and my children. I got the advice to get evidence from a legal service that I called that specialized in domestic violence cases. I had called

the legal service to seek advice because I wanted to seek a divorce; but I wanted to make sure that I could keep my kids safe from the abuser. I didn’t want the situation to end up with him having regular visitation because I knew that he would continue abusing my child. I told the legal service about some of the most extreme things that had happened to me or my child and they said that it was very important for me to get documented photos or video or audio recordings

of the abuse that was going on. I told myself that the next time I was around him that I would have my phone recording in my pocket just in case because I never knew when he was going to fly off the handle and do something. His abuse was unpredictable; but I knew that it could happen at any time.

The day that it happened was one afternoon when I had just come back from visiting my family in another state. He wasn’t scheduled to be home because he worked out of state; but he said that he had taken off of work to be there when we got back from our trip. It was strange because he never ever took off of work, ever! He first acted very excited that we were back home from our trip and very loving but in about 1 hour all of that changed. He was upset and crying; and he said that his physiologist that he had just started therapy with several weeks before had called him and said that she was going to call the police to come pick him up because she didn’t think that he was going to be safe around us or himself. Of course, hearing that made me very scared, like what had he been telling her that would make her think that.

So, I asked him what he had been talking with her about; and he said that he wanted me to help him with something. He then took out a gun and said that he wanted me to help him kill himself. I said immediately that we should bring him to the hospital and get him some help, call his physiologist, anything to get him to put down the gun.

Nothing I would say for the next 2 to 3 hours would work though; and he kept cocking the gun and putting it in his mouth then he would point the gun at me and my child. (We had 8 children, only the youngest was there with me that afternoon) I tried many times during those 2 to 3 hours to remove my child from the situation by trying to get in the car with her to drive her to

a family member’s house, pleading with him to let me call my family to come pick her up, any kind of way I could say it to get her out of the house because I knew this was not a safe situation for her to be in. He would not allow anything. He wouldn’t let us even leave a certain area of the house. He was keeping us confined to a few rooms so we wouldn’t escape. If I would try to squeeze through him and the doorway, he would push me back in, he took my purse and my car keys so that I couldn’t drive away. 

Eventually I was able to convince him that we could do something else to get his mind off of this idea of suicide. He had mentioned that he had bought some steaks earlier; so, I concentrated on that. I said, "Hey why don’t we just stop with this and let’s go cook some steaks; and we can keep talking about all of this if we need to." He

eventually agreed and he walked away to the kitchen. I took my child and got in the closet that was furthest away from him and called 911. I quickly told 911 my address and that my husband was trying to commit suicide and that he has a gun. They told me to stay on the phone while they had a police car come out to my house. I told them that I didn’t think I could stay on the phone because if my husband found out that I called 911 that I don’t know what he would do to me. At that moment he burst into the closet and tried to grab the phone from me. He tackled me to the ground to get the phone and he hung up on 911. By the way, all of that tackling and him hanging up the phone was recorded by 911 and later used in court. It’s a felony to hang up on 911 and he was charged with that! The police showed up pretty quickly, and he did try to go outside and get in his car and flee the scene. The police were too quick for that; and he couldn’t get out the driveway. He tried to shoot himself in front of the officer. The officer talked him down and got the gun away from him. He also handed over 3 loaded clips to the officer that he had in his pockets. When I saw that I thought, why did he have so many rounds of bullets in his pocket. What was he planning to do with all of that? I had to get the officers to confiscate my phone and keys from him because he did not want to give those items back to me. I told the officers that I had my phone on record the whole time that he was holding us there with the gun and I needed that phone for evidence; so, they made sure to get my phone back from him asap. He was arrested and taken away to a mental hospital.

Two officers stayed to tell me what I needed to do next. They said that this was called “abduction”. He held us there with a weapon and wouldn’t let us leave. I had no idea that this was what had just happened. I was so used to him doing these types of things to me. The officers immediately got some abuse help for us. There was an abuse shelter and counseling center who contacted me right away and there was a victim’s advocate person who worked for the court who contacted me. The officers got an emergency protective order for me and said that I needed to keep updating this protective order so that in case he got out of the hospital sooner than expected that he could not come back to our house to do anything to us. 

I began a journey of reporting the incidents that had happened to me recent and in the past with him. I was with him for 7 years and during that time he physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally abused me. I started counseling for the abuse and was encouraged to be persistent with reporting the abuse and seeking sole custody of my youngest child. It has been tough to stay on top of reporting each major abuse incident and see it through the court system, testifying and going through trials in court. They don’t always find him guilty of the thing that he did because some of the trials have been with a jury and you never know what they’re going to vote. For example, one of the major abuse incidents that happened was that he strangled me in a choke hold and dragged me out of the house and locked me out. It’s a felony charge but the jury did not find him guilty of strangulation, instead he got charged with assault and battery of a

family member which is a misdemeanor. He did get jail time for that though and it is on his arrest record. I haven’t stopped though because my #1 goal is to keep my child and the rest of the 7 children protected so that they never have to be alone with him again and be subject to the abuse. He had 3 children before I married him; and I had 4. My 4 children didn’t have to be around him very much because 3 of them went to live with my ex-husband in another state and 1 of them was off to college by themselves. However, I saw how much he abused his 3 children. 1 of them lived with us for a while but I did everything I could to change the situation and get the child to go live with her mother. 

One of the most frightening things that I saw him do to his children was that one holiday when his 2 oldest children were visiting us, they were age 23 and 20 at the time. The 3 of them were drinking and goofing around. He told them he wanted to play a game where he would choke them out until they were unconscious and then see how long it would take for them to come back to consciousness! I told the kids please just tell him NO. That you don’t want to do this! The oldest one didn’t say anything and played along. The younger one did not want to do it and told his dad no, but he did it anyway and his son bit him and punched him to try to get away.

Sometimes I have had to represent myself in court when I have gone for custody or other things. When I was in court for the custody trial, I told the judge about this incident when he strangled his older sons; and the judge actually wrote that on the custody judgment that this was one of the things that happened and one of the reasons why he was giving me sole custody of my youngest child. I want to say too that sometimes it is very good for you to represent yourself because the judge will allow you to say things that he would not allow an attorney to say.

It wasn’t easy to leave my abuser. I was trapped for a long time and couldn’t leave because he said that he would take my child and lie to the courts to make sure that I could never see her again. I believed that he was convincing enough that the courts would believe him and that he could get away with that. I could not let my child be taken by such a horrible monster. I stayed and waited and played it safe. I stayed quiet because he was always recording me when he would yell at me to try to get a reaction out of me that sounded bad. He was trying to build a case for himself to take my child away. I never gave him a reaction! I never gave him anything that he could record and use against me. I stayed levelheaded and strong! I thought through these situations and stayed smart! It would have been so easy to fight back

and yell at him back for all of the horrible things he would say to me, but I just knew that he was waiting to use anything against me. So, I learned how to just live with the abuse and survive for 1 more day each day. 

So, I guess what I’m saying is that it may not be something that you can do right now. You may be trapped too; and you will have to find the right time for yourself and gather enough evidence to prove that the abuser is harming you and/or your child. Be smart about it! Look for an opening to get out when they have done so much; and you have enough evidence that they would never be able to get custody of your child when you leave. I didn’t know that there was so much help for victims of abuse. You may not know about that either, but I want you to know that when my abuser went to jail and I was finally free, I had nothing! Not a penny to my name because he would never put my name on anything and would never allow me to have money of my own. No house because we rented, and I had no money so I couldn’t stay at the place that we had been living. No vehicle because it was not in my name, so he stopped paying for it and it got repossessed. No job because I was a stay-at-home mom and also afraid to ever leave my child alone with him; so, I didn’t work outside of the home. The abuse shelter moved me & my child into a house away from the town that the abuse happened in. They paid my rent and utilities for over 6 months until I got a job and could afford to support myself and my child. They paid 80% of the cost of a vehicle so I could get a vehicle. They had a job placement program. I was able to apply for and get free health insurance, food stamp card to pay for my groceries, free abuse counseling for me and my child and free legal service to help me go through all of the court hearings that I had to attend to testify about the abuse. My child and I have been very supported by all of these state and local agencies that help victims of abuse get to safety and make a life for themselves after escaping abuse. Now that it’s 2 & ½ years later, I have a job, a house, a vehicle, a bank account in my own name and more. I’m completely self sufficient supporting myself and my child. It can be done! You just have to pick yourself up once you get away from the abuser and say to yourself that now your life can begin going in a positive direction and that you can be healthy again and take care of yourself and your children. Most days it can be quite difficult to wake up and get motivated because you may deal with PTSD like I am for having to live for a long time with severe abuse but a few things that keep me going are knowing that I don’t EVER have to wake up to abuse again! Me and my child are free now! I can finally have PEACE!! And I have an absolutely fabulous saying that I tell myself every morning! You did not wake up today to be a weak ass bitch!!! Get up and slay today, you gorgeous, strong, vibrant beauty!!!”


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